Living in Lesotho, in my village, has really changed me, which was something that seemed very scary when I first signed up. I don’t think I have necessarily become a “better person.” I’ve become very un-politically correct, am no longer horrified by corporeal punishment at the schools, nor am I necessarily a nicer person. If I see a man eagerly coming over to talk to me, my first response is to ignore him, then to be rude to get him to leave me alone. I’ve just had way too many experiences where I am treated like an object that someone wants, or as someone who has money to give away. I’ve also seen too many projects, great ideas not take shape because no one bothered to show up. I’m afraid I’m becoming cynical. And I am ashamed to admit: I have littered. Having said all that, I do truly love the people here, there is a friendliness and openness that I haven’t seen anywhere else. And they have helped change my perspective, for the better, about many things.
I think most of us that come here in Peace Corps do it just as much for personal adventure as to altruistically help a community. I hope I have helped (and will continue to help) my community, but it is nothing compared with what I’ve gotten from being a part of them. And that is the biggest change I’ve seen in myself – seeing the “reality” of how people live here and what really matters, it’s the people. Not the work, education or accomplishments, but the relationships you have with people and a real community that supports and entertains each other.
Peace Corps has given me a lot of time for self-reflection, I know myself better than I had ever hoped, or even really wanted to. I have a self-reproach/guilt that drives me, that I was only ever faintly aware of before. I have had such a happy, golden childhood and life, I’ve faced so little hardship and pain that it doesn’t really seem fair. I don’t feel like I’ve done anything to deserve the amazing family and friends that I was born into and the advantages I grew up with. While I am, in general, very happy, I have a subconscious drive to atone or make myself worthy of it all, which has unwittingly motivated me in so many of my decisions. Joining Peace Corps is one of the most obvious ones, but it hasn’t assuaged the guilt, in fact it has made me think that I am even luckier than I did before. I’ve struggled some while being here, it certainly hasn’t always been “golden”, but if anything it has motivated me more. I don’t think I can go back to what I was doing a couple of years ago.
I still have 8 more months left.
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